to avoid this from sounding anything like a suicide note.
i shall warn you,
this is seriously not one.
i'm just not in the mood.
ohkay,
right now,
i've officially decided that i should be done with living my life
just for the sake of pleasing other people.
i should be living for myself.
i'm done with that.
i'm just purely vexed.
extremely vexed.
all that i'm after is a life full of laughter.
(ohkay, i took that out of Life After You - Daughtry)
i sincerely want that.
but looks like the people around me doesn't want me to.
i just wanna lead a carefree life.
making as little mistakes as possible.
why can't everyone see how much effort i'm putting in trying to impress them.
yet, they're still greatly unimpressed.
everyone makes mistakes,
and i'm no exception.
i'am trying to improve myself, i'm trying bloody hard already.
but it just seems that people are expecting more and more.
i'm sick and tired of putting on an act.
but even if i do stop this act,
even for a little while,
no one will ever appreciate me for who i really am.
they'll only accept me for who i'm trying to be
just to fit what they want and need.
i just need some rest from this badly.
my greatest fear is loneliness.
not everyone knows that before this,
only the person who interviewed me during the Pref Interview does.
but now you know.
&that's the only reason why i'm really
trying to talk and socialise with other people,
why i actually put on an act.
& right now,
i'm hurt, ohkay.
and the pain i'm currently feeling is being inflicted onto my upper arm.
someone got it right at the first guess about what's on my arms
that i keep picking at.
only he saw through me.
& i don't even know him well enough to be his best friend, or vice versa.
but he knew.
i just wouldn't admit it,
and went around saying that i just had a bad rash.
it's amazing how i blog about this
and manage to keep my cool,
when deep down,
i know i can't. i know that i'll probably break down and cry when i get back into my room.
i cannot take it any longer.
i'm trying to make the best out of what i'm given.
but i'm not given much to begin with.
for all my life, i've wanted people to accept me for who i really am.
not who i pretend to be.
but i know they won't and can't.
so i figure i'll just have to continue "acting".
but , i know that the curtains will finally close and that i'll have to take a bow sometime.
(ohkay, that was a rihanna song)
i'm still feeling vexed anyway.
and maybe after this post,
people will think about how i'm such a huge freak.
but i don't care. maybe this is who i really am.